Understanding Through Reflection
I stand in my cell, strapping magazines to my body. They are secured with string and look like a bullet proof vest. If only they made them from newspapers, magazines, and string. As I secure the vest and pull my shirt over it to see how noticeable it is, I ask my cellmate, who is currently watching at the door for a officer so we can hide our work during their "security walks," to explain to me why we are going to war again.
“It’s like this bro, those bastards that work with one of our bros says that he stole from them. Bro says that work area don’t belong to them, it belongs to him. They tried to say something slick and now we got to show them who we are.”
I say nothing as my cellmate carries on with a diatribe about how we must look, respect, and how our bro is right. Once he begins I tune him out. Shortly after I reach a position of leadership in my community, through blood, sweat, and perseverance this happens. My goal was to become a leader and stop stupid situations like this from happening. As I look at my half-finished homework, I think about how I may never have a chance to do something like this again; attend SLU. A prestigious college accepted me! And now I am going to lose it all. I chuckle to myself at the irony of my situation. Just a year ago before I started this college program, I would not have cared about the sacrifice. I would have went to war at the slightest nudge. Now, I carefully weigh the words of my friends and fellow prisoners. Instead of being blinded by the rhetoric of retribution, I see that this whole situation stems from a misunderstanding over resources. The bigger irony here is that I am currently in an economics class. Had it been a regular economics class, I would not have been able to think about it the way I did. Instead, I thought about how Adam Smith and his idea that, everyone wants to be loved and lovely, which really means everyone wants to be admirable and respected, pertains to this situation. As I grab a knife and hide it up my sleeve, me and the rest of my friends head out to the yard to meet our enemies. I scan for guards and also the faces of my friends. I see that many of them have the same look I did when I caught my reflection on my cell mirror before walking to what most likely will be my ruin, this is stupid yet I have a commitment to do it. We mob out to yard in groups of twos and threes, carefully making our way to the kill zone. Our enemies do the same. As I walk with another leader and our second best, I ask:
“What's to be done?”
“We see if they will accept conditions, if not, we burn it down.”
As we see their best three walk to meet us, we meet them halfway. As we approach, I see that one of theirs is someone that I have a decent understanding with. As we stop, outside of arms reach, we light cigarettes and talk...
I was able to talk this confrontation down, and thus avoid lots of bloodshed that day. And I did it with the words of Adam Smith in my head. SLU, and its education didn’t just teach me, it pushed me to apply what I learned in class to myself. That self-reflection, even over so short a time span as a year, changes you. It changed me, from a belligerent and ignorantly egotistical child, to a student of critical thinking, situational awareness and analysis. I saw this self reflection change my fellow students as well. Over the course of 4 and a half years we went from indifferent strangers, to a cohort of companions that helped promote education and understanding in our community. This is why SLU’s education is a distinctly Jesuit one, and in my opinion, the best!
KM is a graduate of St. Louis University’s Prison Education Program (PEP).
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