Adult Children of Alcoholics

The family is a system, and like other systems each part is assigned a job to keep the system in balance. In a dysfunctional family such as families with alcohol-dependent members, the roles and rules often become detrimental.

In alcoholic families, unspoken rules are developed that help keep the family in check. Children quickly learn "don't trust, don't talk, don't feel." Basic trust is not established because the parents are not able to meet the fundamental physical and emotional needs. The children's lives are filled with inconsistency and broken promises. Denial becomes a strong coping mechanism in the hopes that "if we ignore the problem it will go away." Those children who do try to rock the boat are often punished through neglect, humiliation or physical means. The feelings of these children are not validated because the parents either do not respond at all to the child's fear, anger, and sadness or the feelings are discounted (e.g., "Big boys/girls don't cry"). In the short run, the rules assure safety because they avoid upsetting the alcoholic parent. In the long run, they cause significant pain and perpetuate problems.

Children often take on the following roles in families where alcohol has chronically caused crisis and chaos:

• The Hero, the responsible one or the family caretaker learns to ignore his/her own feelings and to care for others. These "superkids" are often high achievers and little adults who look very good on the outside. Inside they are often stuffing painful feelings and compulsivity.
• The Scapegoat is often the acting out child who takes center stage to take the heat off the alcohol-dependent adult. The parent's drinking problem is often blamed on this "problem child."
• The Lost Child may become invisible to the rest of the family. An overly compliant household chameleon, this child removes him/herself by becoming lost in day dreams.
• The Mascot or family clown brings comic relief to the tense family situation. This child's charming personality entertains others and gives off the impression that stress is not a problem while in reality the child feels frightened and alone.

• Isolated and afraid of authority figures.
• Seeks approval and loses own identity in the process
• Frightened by angry people and any personal criticism
• Becomes an alcoholic, marries them, or both (or finds another compulsive personality, e.g., workaholic, to fulfill the need for abandonment)
• Overdeveloped sense of responsibility; easier to be concerned with others than themselves.
• Feels guilt when they stand up for themselves; gives in to others
• Addicted to excitement
• Stuffs the feelings from traumatic childhood and loses the ability to feel or express feelings
• Judges self harshly and has low self-esteem
• Terrified of abandonment, will do anything to hold onto a relationship
• Reactors rather than actors

Adapted from The 12 Steps for Adult Children by Friends in Recovery; San Diego, 1987.

• Increase your awareness. Read more about the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home. Draw a multigenerational family map or "genogram" to discover how family patterns were passed on.
• Get support from others. Learn to break the unspoken rules by talking to family members and others who can validate your experiences.
• Develop new families of affiliation. New friendships and healthy networks are invaluable to the healing process. You need to find a place where it is OK to make mistakes and to be honest.
• Learn how to feel the feelings and let go of the shame. Sadness, anger, and fear are all natural reactions to confronting the past and attempting to change. Grieving for a lost childhood can be a painful process. "You can only heal what you feel." Shame is an immobilizing state that keeps people repeating old patterns.
• Reconnect with yourself as a child. By finding the lost self you can start discovering the true self. Learn to embrace your uniqueness. Find pictures of yourself as a child and try to recapture what it was like to be you.

Adapted from the writing of John Bradshaw.

• Beatties, M. (1989). Beyond Codependency. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
• Black, C. (1981). It Will Never Happen to Me.
• Bradshaw, J. (1988). Bradshaw on: The Family. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
• Gravitz, H. L. & Bowden, J. D. (1985). Guide to Recovery: A Book for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Holmes Beach, FL: Learning Publications.
• Middelton-Moz, J. & Dwinell, L. (1986). After the Tears. Pompano Beach: FL: Health Communications, Inc.
• Woititz, J. G. (1983). Adult Children of Alcoholics. Hollywood, FL: Health Communications, Inc.